I had a mini-emotional meltdown tonight. The enginerd in me wants to analyze everything that could possibly be related so I can fix the problem. However, I have an even bigger problem. I’m way too exhausted to analyze. Nothing is making sense. Thought #1 – I’m tired, that’s why.
But let’s not stop there. I can’t remember the last time I cried. How long has it been? Maybe my husband or my girlfriends can remember, but I certainly can’t. Thought #2 – it was just time, that’s why.
Wait a second – screwed up hormones? Possibly… (Thought # 3…) It’s conceivable…
Break – Insert random movie quote:
Humperdink: I think you're bluffing.
Westley: It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, ...
End Break
Thought #4 – I seem to have committed an unusually high number of faux pas tonight, mostly recognized only by yours truly. I tend to hold myself to high standards. Realizing that I am just as flawed as everyone else (if not more flawed), my dream of proving my worth through my actions is yet again crushed. Grace wins, as expected. Praise God for that. Yet I still am left feeling pretty idiotic and stupid…
Thought #5 – I’m feeling a little selfish about this one, but here’s the thought: When is it okay for me to have a bad night? Would anybody truly care if I shared? Would people’s reactions be enough to make me feel loved, not just know that I am loved? (FYI – I do know that I am loved, but knowing and feeling are two different things.) My life probably appears golden to outsiders. Heck, even I feel like my problems are minimal compared to those of others. Am I starting to hold back to the point where people can’t know me? Am I becoming the dreaded “Minnesota Nice” to avoid alienating people but all the while doing just that?
Or (#6) am I extremely off base and so disconnected from reality that I don’t see how my actions are truly affecting others? Do I give off vibes that confuse things further? Do people think I don’t need them because I’m always shooting for such high standards and appear to be succeeding? Again, do people really know me? Or do they even want to know the real me? (Think: Lyrics to The Real Me by Natalie Grant)
I have so many acceptance issues. I know I could keep going all night with my analysis, but I do need to get at least some sleep. Yet I also need to process these things. Very few people enjoy “processing”, but thankfully, I know some who do (who also enjoy listening and cautiously providing comments). And I can always turn to journaling in the event that I find myself at a loss for a “processing” partner…
German Father's Day
4 days ago
2 comments:
I'm sorry you struggle so much with feeling accepted and letting people know the real you. (I actually sometimes wonder if I know the real me.) You were pretty quiet about your own life last night. I'm sorry I didn't draw you out more. I didn't even make you share your highs and lows (what a deplorable friend).
We DEFINITELY care about what's going on in your life and want to hear about it. Everybody has different problems, and just because they're different doesn't mean that they are less/more or feel less/more. Please share with us! And if we're bad friends that don't even ask for your highs/lows, call us out on it! We deserve it.
Yes, it's ok to have a bad day and yes , i'll listen to you. the big things that happen in your life, no matter if they seem small compared to someone else's life, are still big to you. they still matter. they are important. sometimes the things that seem small compared to others are monumental in your life and need to be shared, discussed, analyzed, and carried with others whom you call your friends. I'm 'hear'.
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